Chapter 3 : In Flagrante Delicto

It’s a glorious, sunny though still chilly, mid-winter day at the popular cafe-bar. A barely perceptible breeze gently rustles the leaves of the old plane trees. The spicy aroma of mulled wine hangs ever so light in the air, like a teasing fragrance. The couple, rugged up in their warm jackets recently purchased online direct from China, are relaxing at an outside table with their chai lattes, as their mate saunters up to them.

“Hey guys, what’s news?” Wife: “Not much, how about u?” “Guys, u are not gonna believe what I saw the other morning,” he says, sliding onto a chair. Husband: “Really? Try us …” “I didn’t have much on so I thought I’d catch the tram to a Club on the other side of the City to see if I could help them with some marketing in dreary winter. U know, that Club that’s really popular on summer evenings, where Membership and drinks aren’t cheap but everyone wants to join. It’s historic but completely refurbed, with all the modern facilities: heated swimming pool, tennis courts, squash courts, spa, on-call masseur, full sized snooker tables, tarot card room, medical centre, a la carte restaurant, helicopter pad and so on.” Husband: “Yeah, we’ve been there a few times. It’s nice.” “It was still mid-morning, u could hear the birds chirping in the trees before they were drowned out by the sound of a coming tram. Those trams are convenient but damn noisy. There were cars in the carpark but the front door looked locked so I walked around to the rear entrance. I could vaguely see some movement inside through the window but that door was locked too. I was going to call out but an approaching tram was getting louder and louder and just as it was about to reach the station, I looked inside again and that’s when I saw it! His jeans were down around his ankles and he was nailing someone! No shit!” Husband: “Get outta here!” Wife: “What!?!” “Seriously, I couldn’t believe it! It’s the last thing you’d expect to see at one of those stuffy old Clubs, first thing in the morning. Unbelievable! “He was really going at it, too, from behind; like a huge mustang stallion, upright, head thrown back, nostrils flaring, lathering up on the flanks; his hands on his own hips, in total control. I could even hear a long, deep noise through the double glazed window.” Husband: “No way!” “His partner was splayed over the back of a beautiful, well-worn leather sofa. The soft, supple leather. So warm and gentle to the touch. Anyway, I remember thinking it was just like the bombardment of Baghdad; once again I was watching Uncle Sam slam Saddam with Shock and Awe. I wasn’t in awe but I sure was in shock! I didn’t know what do, or where to look. “Then he glanced around and noticed me. He swore and desperately waved me off like … like … I dunno, like as if I was about to come in and land on HIS aircraft carrier! “I discreetly stepped back and out of sight, blocked off by the window drape, to allow them the courtesy to, uhm, disengage and reset their attire. Hey, I don’t spy on people …” Husband: “No, no, of course u don’t, mate. It’s not your fault. So … what happened next?” Wife: “We don’t need to hear all the details, let’s keep it out of the gutter.” “I am, I am!” Husband: “He is, he is!” “This is a very delicate matter, requiring great finesse in it’s dissemination. Now, I’ve told only u two, so let’s keep it to ourselves, ok?” Husband: “Of course mate, it’s in the vault. Fort Knox. So, what else did u see?” “Well, soon I saw his partner, with lycra clothing and shoes bundled up in both hands, making a dash for the handicap toilet. Nice, slim figure, too! Then his face appeared from behind the drapes, as he buckled up his belt and unlocked the door for me to come in. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a cheekier look on someone’s face!” Husband: “Haha! Go on, go on!” “I stepped inside and he said, ‘What can I say?’ He had the biggest grin, like the Cheshire Cat that’s got the whole jug of cream. “It was an awkward moment so I simply shrugged my shoulders and said, ‘Hey, I envy u mate!’ Then we both chuckled, u know, that embarrassing-I-dunno-what-to-say-next blokey kind of chuckle.” Wife: “Poor dear, yes I bet u must have felt awkward!” Husband: “Unreal, mate! Keep going, keep going!” “Well I didn’t see any point in outstaying my welcome so I said, ‘Look, I thought I’d drop in to see if I could help your fabulous Club with some marketing ideas to boost your membership and better utilise your facilities in the off season. But I can see u already have a very proactive recruiting strategy, that u are well and truly on top of things and so on.” “He said: ‘Yes, yes, it’s all under control!’ “As I left, I pointed to the floor and said, ‘Oh, don’t forget to pick up your coins and check under the sofa.” Husband: “So what did his partner look like? It was a girl, wasn’t it?” “Yeah it was a girl, I didn’t get a good look. It certainly wasn’t anyone I knew. I wasn’t standing there staring, u know! But I do remember that next to the heaving mountain of glutes, were slender, well toned legs, freshly waxed and oiled … hey, I didn’t want to invade their privacy, so I looked away pretty quickly.” Wife: “Of course u did, dear. It’s not your fault. Anyone could’ve walked up and seen it.” “Guys just picture it: Those old walls lined with dozens of portraits of former Club Presidents …” Wife: “And Ladies Auxiliary Presidents!” “… those Founding Fathers of the Club …” Wife: “And Founding Mothers!” “… all looking down on the scene, with scorn. Or then again, maybe some looking down with pride. And perhaps even some” – glancing at his mate’s Wife – “with a mild curiosity. “I have to admit I was a little bit put off by the whole experience and I had to throw out my half-finished cafe latte cos I’d lost my appetite. But it was all very, very funny, when u think about it. Hilarious! Just a boy and girl being a boy and girl, in the old fashion way. “If only those old sofas could talk, in all the old Clubs around here. Imagine the stories they could tell.”

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